As a mother, you must TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!!

It has been a rough few days!


As a mother, whether you are a first timer, or a 2nd time mom; a nurse or a novice, you MUST trust your instinct with your child and LISTEN to it.


I knew in my heart of hearts, and after speaking with an online friend, (who is also a NICU nurse) on several occasions, that the symptoms that Twinkle Toes was having, was not only reflux but something else.


At her last appt. (9/30) I asked (actually told) the nurse that I was taking Twinkle Toes off of the formula.  I just wasn't going to add it to her breast milk anymore.  She simply doesn't respond well to the addition of the formula and I knew it wasn't right.  The nurse told me with a crappy tone "well that's fine but if she doesn't gain MORE weight than she has (at the next appt), we WILL put her back on the formula"  and "I'll give you a month to TRY this experiment".  It ticked me off!  And every time I thought, "Nope I'm not adding the formula", that nurses voice we replay in my head and I'd go ahead and add the damn formula.  Side Note:  I have nothing against nurses, just this particular one!


While in the NICU her milk was always supplemented with Enfamil's Human Milk Fortifier, which I believe, is not available for sale to any regular Joe and Oh, how I wish it was.


The reason why Twinkle Toes is on the formula is to increase the calories and to help her gain weight.  I was thrilled on 9/30 to learn that Twinkle Toes was now 8 lbs 5.5 oz.  I thought that was a huge gain.  But this particular nurse didn't seem to think so.  When I asked how many ounces Twinkle Toes should be eating every day, I was told between 30-35 oz.  Well, I knew that wasn't even close.  Heck, I knew that we probably were barely getting to 18 oz!  Less than half!


So I called the Pediatrician office on Monday after rehashing the 9/30 conversation in my head!  Was the weight gain good?  How much should she really be eating a day, since she is a preemie?  I was just doubting myself and reading several different books to get the answer but since I don't have a Preemie book, I just didn't necessarily trust them either.  I was starting to really doubt myself and my maternal instincts. 


I have been really starting to freak out over returning to work.  How am I supposed to prepare bottles for our daycare provider when even I don't know how much Twinkle Toes will eat and if it will be a major fight.


You see, Twinkle Toes was getting to be ridiculous with feedings but when being nursed, she was calm, rarely had spit up and was just a happy baby.  But give her a bottle, that had formula added to it and holy crap!  It was night and day the difference and it's not a pleasant difference.  It should never take 45 mins for a baby, even a premature baby, to drink a 2 oz (yes, only 2 oz) bottle.  It also shouldn't take anyone 45 mins to burp her.  Now, the 45 mins. wasn't to get her to burp but rather to calm her into sleep.


I KNEW that this wasn't just reflux.  Sure the arching of her back may be somewhat related to reflux but not all of it was reflux related.  When you see your child tightly clench her little hands into tight fists and growl and tense up, something else is wrong!  And that would start just moments after the first sips from the bottle.  I'd be in tears and so would she!  She would gulp, gulp, scream bloody murder all while arching her back and becoming stiff as a board.  She was hard to hang on to!  Then she'd curl up into a ball with her fists tightly clenched and just make a sound like she was growling!


We had tried warming her bottles and that wasn't making things any better either!


Yesterday it got to the point that 2 ozs of the 4 oz bottle was wasted down the front of her (I consider my breast milk to be liquid gold, as most any Breastfeeding / Nursing mom does!) and then she vomited all over me! 


She learned that she could drink some and then push most of it out past the nipple and it would then run down her chin and chest.  I realize that some spit up is to be expected but this wasn't normal.  The bibs were soaked and stunk!  I was having to wash her down with a warm washcloth after every feeding because she smelled so bad. 


How much she was actually ingesting?  I have no idea, but I knew it wasn't right nor near enough to maintain her weight or to produce decent weight gain.  Plus her mouth stunk, like sour, rotten milk.  Her spit up, 2 hrs AFTER her feeding was the consistency of cottage cheese and I knew that wasn't right.  And it wasn't spit up.  When I was honest with myself, it was a vomit and a lot of it!


I called the NICU and the nurse I spoke with just didn't have an answer.  All I wanted was some reassurance.  Confirmation that my instincts were right and that I NEEDED to listen to them, for my baby's sake!


So I called the nurse line, provided by our insurance company.  She was very kind, asked very thorough questions and listened.  She confirmed my thoughts.  This was wrong!  And this was more than just reflux.  She told me to call my Pediatricians after hours number.  So I did.


At that point, it was 8 pm and Twinkle Toes was hungry again.  I had just pumped so nursing her wasn't going to happen but I poured her a 4 oz bottle and she chugged it!  And there wasn't any issues!!!  No spit up, no vomits, no fighting us, no screaming or crying and no tears.  No balled up little fists, she was calm and happy and she immediately went to sleep after being burped.


Finally at 9 pm the doctor called me back (same doctor that cared for Twinkle Toes while she was in the NICU, so she knows her history).  She confirmed my thoughts - she never should have been on the formula, not after gaining the way she had been.  Heck, she even told me "you're growing a butterball turkey, if you're not careful".  I knew it!  Just knew that the formula was most likely to blame for Twinkle Toes' discomfort and pain and that ticks me off to no end.  I could have pulled her off of the formula over a week ago but I allowed someone's words affect me and my instincts!


So, to bottom line this long post TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS as a mother.  Only you know your child even if he/she is a preemie.  And don't let that fact trouble you or make you think / cloud your judgment.  Absolutely don't second guess yourself.


First thing Monday morning, I am calling to schedule an appointment at the Pediatrician's office to make sure that the formula is the issue.


Twinkle Toes has now had several breast milk only feedings and Not.One.Single.Issue!